Our psychological make up is shaped both by nature (genetics) and nurture (upbringing). Any trauma that has been carried forward from one generation will likely pass on to the next in the form of fears, phobias, and even temperament.
In essence we are spiritual beings, with everything being passed on at the energetic level. Science tries to rationalise this process, through a reductionist form of self-awareness.
If the vibrational status of one parent was consumed by the ego-identity, then naturally this energy will pass on to the child, combining with the nurturing that the child receives. Together, these will then shape the child’s reality.
This is why the path of Surrender (Al Islam) can be a very difficult one. Whenever our nature and/or nurture are not well suited for spiritual realisation, the result can be much suffering and struggling to surrender throughout life.
Surrender will be the most challenging when the entire childhood has been programmed to be consumed with the self. The natural tendency then is to preserve the self any time a threat to its integrity is felt. Asking such a soul to Surrender is like telling them they should not exist; which to some extent, feels like the same unworthiness they have felt within themselves their entire life. This unworthiness has created all the suffering in their life experiences– resulting in a variety of self-sabotaging beliefs, of not feeling good enough, and of being overly self-critical.
For these folks their lack of patience and kindness towards themselves often gets translated into judgements of others, along with accompanying impatience, selfishness, and unkind actions. With this mindset, one tends to gravitate toward a punishing God, as opposed to One Who has mercy.
One who operates from such a deep rooted belief in devaluing oneself, doesn’t usually have faith in being worthy of God’s love, other people’s love, or even self-love!
The theme in all of this is the belief of not being worthy of love. Therefore, actions at the subconscious level will only offer experiences to match this unworthiness, in love, as well as interactions with people throughout life’s circumstances.
The great irony is that one has to give up this concept of “self” in order to break free from this sense of unworthiness. This is exactly what spiritual life through surrender accomplishes!
The absolute truth deep down in the core of everyone’s heart is the yearning to love, and to be loved.
After all God is Love. We have experienced a sort of separation from God. Therefore, our eternal longing is to be re-united with our Beloved. This is what we desire, to return to this pristine experience.
However, in this material plane we get lost in the illusions of form. Misidentifying, the same ego-mind that seeks to self-sabotage, creates a fragmented sense of self.
In many ways the times we live in have grown so dark as to be coined “the age of destruction.” Our society routinely faces issues with people feeling unlovable, being intolerant of criticism, having seemingly inexplicable moodiness, depression and even explosive rage. Some research suggests we are only mirroring back that to which we are exposed. However it comes about, there is little arguing with how deeply fragmented, alienated, wounded, and in dire need of spiritual support and guidance we have become.
These are characteristics resulting from an ego-conscious state in an ego-conscious world. Its roots often derive from our childhood experiences where we may have felt a lack of love, or perceived that we did not receive the attention we intrinsically needed from our caregiver.
Later, this old wound stored in our subconscious state combines with the desire to seek a release from our eternal longing– the primordial pain we feel from our perceived separation from God. This often resurfaces in a wide variety of problem areas, as we attempt successful romantic and platonic relationships with others in our everyday interactions.
If a soul was raised in an environment that failed to nurture them with unconditional love, (e.g., most of us) then the soul seeks to compensate through other experiences. Depending on their own nature, these may find a variety of introverted or extroverted expressions.
We come into relationships with high hopes and a history. Whether the past hurts are resolved or not will largely determine how we play out this script of love.
For example, an extroverted character that felt unloved and was raised with the belief of scarcity may choose to seek out love through recognition from society, through power and material possessions. They may place being autonomous over human connection, and hence struggle in most relationships. Relationships may be focused on the form, based on superficial means and often transactional. Therefore the soul will still yearn to connect with its longing. However, this longing will remain largely unfulfilled. Consequently, this person will find themselves returning, again and again trying to compensate with worldly gains.
A more introverted character on the other hand, may resort to being excessively attached and overly needy for human connections, at the cost of creating a lack of true autonomy within themselves. This usually results in very needy relationships based on conditions, leading again and again to much suffering based on expectations being disappointed.
Either way, these self-absorbed relationships lack balance. Thus, their self-sabotaging patterns carried over from childhood result in distorted perceptions of love.
What one lacks in childhood, one tries to over-compensate for in adulthood, resulting in either self-sacrificing traits that leave one burnt out and resentful, or very selfish traits, that hurt many people along the way.
Either way, human relationships are doomed for failure when God is out of the equation. The relationships are based on the material plane with conditions, expectations and attachments. When one does not seek out true Self-reliance and Self-sufficiency through introspection, contemplation, meditation, and reflection, then one is bound for great suffering.
As one lives unaware of such subconscious patterns, one naturally falls prey to various forms of victimisation and seeing the “other” in everyone else. It must be the “other” person’s fault. Suffering comes from projecting blame on the other and not taking personal responsibility, or being accountable for one’s own cognitive, emotive and behavioral actions.
When a person lacks the ability to see their role in a problem, inevitably the problem will get worse. Resolution is attempted through the faulty misperception of the limited ego-self. Therefore, real resolution becomes impossible. This is why God needs to be in the picture.
One needs to seek out Divine love first. This will naturally lead to a more stable Self-sufficiency and reliance on God, before all else. From this true center a less selfish form of Self-love is born. This can then be generously showered upon others as the genuine desire to give spontaneous emerges. When two people place God first, they both naturally want to give to the other. Hence, there is less focus on receiving, less focus on attachment, and less thwarted expectations.
Yet by giving one receives, so naturally they receive more from the mindset of abundance.
When we operate from a place of self-preservation, then naturally our giving will always fall short, no matter how much we think we give. When our cup is not full, how can we afford to give? When we try we experience giving begrudgingly, from a mindset of scarcity.
Love is the solution, the Love of the Real. This eternal longing is within us all. Each of us wants to reconnect with this longing, however differently we may characterize it. This loving yearning of the soul has the power to bring out our deepest desires, to satiate our greatest longings, and to heal the worst of wounds.
When we seek this healing from human love, we set ourselves up for failure. Because, human love is and will always be conditional.
The ego-self by nature is “selfish” and therefore, innately conditional. The human self will resort to blame, engage in power struggles, find excuses to start arguments, go numb, shut down, lash out, and seek to distract itself with work or hobbies– all in a vain attempt to lie to itself– telling itself as it so often does that it doesn’t need the kind of love for which it has forever yearned.
It cannot find this love in this world and therefore goes into a state of despair and hopelessness. It gives up and finds a myriad of ways of self-sabotaging and denying itself love.
Yet when one chooses to dissolve this false identity, to give up this ego-self, the closer they move towards God, the less of the false-self remains. Hence, allowing more room for selfless love and the true freedom it brings! At this point the soul begins to experience Divine Love, the Love of the Real, the Eternal Longing and Lasting Satisfaction!
From this place of union with giving up the ego-self to be at One with God, the only Real-Self, the human soul begins to operate from a place of authenticity, thus allowing for balance and harmony in all relationships.
They begin to set the right intentions and create the proper dialogue for resolving entanglements and conflicts. They create a balance within themselves in knowing how to connect with others and knowing how to offer themselves time to be alone. They learn to balance the fear of being close (forming attachment) to being alone (learning detachment).
Ultimately, when we learn to cultivate Self-love and fill ourselves with Divine Love, we operate from a place of being full. Therefore, we experience that we have more to give, and this by way of the natural law of attraction, fills us with abundance!
From this place of wholeness one can bring awareness to their childhood traumas, see the self-sabotaging patterns that have played out in their lives, identify the triggers, what brings out their subconscious self-sabotaging beliefs that make them feel rejected, abandoned or neglected, and make peace with the what IS.
They are able to see the underlying reasons for why they blocked love and communicate their truth to others from a place of authenticity, truthfulness, and vulnerability. They are then able to form close, deep, intimate relationships with others from a place of self-love, expressing itself outwards through God’s love.
They acquire the balance to be close to other people, and yet comfortable remaining independent. Through the practise of introspection, one gains much ease with themselves.
This is the opposite for the one who continues to operate from the ego. Iblis loves all things that disconnect and separate people. So his way of conditioning is to create people who are self-conscious, fear being alone, fear being close, fear being independent, fear being “good enough” in the perception of others. Afraid of looking at themselves, they fear others, as well as themselves. Angry at themselves, jealous and envious of others, they are destined to suffer a life of alienation. Greedy and always feeling something lacking, they remain forever in a state of unrest.
There is simply no peace in the mind of the ego. The ego mind seeks to create the absolute worst in us while God’s light teaches us how to shine and reach our absolute best.
The journey begins within, in finding God, in seeking the Love of the Real and, ultimately, in being embraced by this Divine Love.
From this point forward, life is a mystery, to unravel with curiosity, wonder, awe, magic, joy and hope.